What’s not to like about Holland? The country has a liberal stance on everything from the sex-trade through to recreational drugs - and even defending. With teams’ ramshackle backlines and the attacking ethos, even an average striker can score a hatful of goals in the Eredivisie.  

Unfortunately, therefore, buying a striker from Holland is like choosing a hooker after a bag of magic mushrooms. You could get lucky and pick well – i.e. Romario, Ronaldo or Ruud Van Nistelrooy - but your skewed sense of perception may well lead to a clanger.

Mateja Kezman

PSV Eindhoven: 122 apps/105gls

Chelsea: 25 apps/ 4gls

I still have a Chelsea shirt with ‘Kezman 9’ on the back. Testament to a naïve attempt to be a smart-ass. “You wait, this guy will be better than Van Nistelrooy”, I arrogantly proclaimed, wearing said shirt, just after he’d signed. Sometimes I still wear it in public, reminding me never again to make such a rash decision. 

Dirk Kuyt

Feyenoord: 101 apps/ 71 gls

Liverpool: 99 apps/21 gls

Lumbering and hard-working aren’t adjectives you’d usually associate with a striker. Then again, Dirk Kuyt isn’t your run-of-the-mill front man: he doesn’t score goals. A testament to how far hardwork can get you.

Alfonso Alves

SC Heerenveen: 39 apps/ 45 gls

Middlesbrough: 36 apps/ 10 gls

More goals than games in the Dutch top-flight. Currently fighting a losing battle against Jeremie Aliadiare and Marlon King for a place in the Boro starting eleven.

Steve Maclaren

FC Twente: Mounting a serious title challenge

England: ...

Schteve is schertainly schettling in well in the low-lands. He has won over Dutch critics by steering his side to second in the league and the semi-final of the domestic cup. Lap it up Steve because your name’s still mud over here.