*(Please note that all descriptions are not intended to accurately represent our fine team of writers!)*

Darren Douglas

David Moftakhar

‘It’s not pretty but someone’s got to do it.’ That’s the ethos ‘The Moftster’ takes to both womanising and sub-editing 90 Minutes. He’s the ‘water-carrier,’ doing the dirty work no one else is willing, or can be bothered, to do. Not a face for the limelight, his work behind the scenes allows the others to express their talents.

 Donald Ramsay

By definition, this long-suffering, ale-supping Raith Rover is no glory hunter. Once described as a versatile player on account of his being able to play badly in any position, he could have been a contender. Only a distinct lack of talent, ambition and tactical nous has prevented him from assuming his rightful place among the pantheon of football greats.

James Palmer

Luxurious, great first touch, but ultimately no end product (feel free to insert your own joke here).

It's this kind of skill and attitude that best sums up the once intrepid Lillywhite. His undaunted commitment to dribbling is a source of great entertainment to us all, just be warned- do not mention Gérard Houllier when he's around...not ever(!)

Retired: Former Club Stalwarts(!)

Stephen Jonathan “The Rome” Rome

From Bogota to Beijing, this well-traveled firebrand has plied his trade all over the world. In terms of output he can only be described as prolific. Not averse to casual sex or violence, you can rest assured that this vocal Villain will die for the cause (as long as he gets his own way!).

Currently considering a come-back in South Korea. 

Ian Shine

Like any football reject worth his salt, this man has lived in numerous places for short stints. From Birmingham to Sheffield, then Poland, Siberia, Lisbon and now somewhere back in England, he’s still looking for a place to call home before his bowels stop working. He was the African Footballer of the year in 1976 and scored four goals in the 1990 World Cup. 

Whereabouts unknown.