Football is a game, of two halves none the less, and it has spawned a raft of internet football games that can broadly be split into two halves.
The good and the downright piss poor.
In the first of a possible weekly feature, I’ll walk you through some of the football games the internet has to offer, rating them or more likely slating them along the way.
We begin with Striker Run, a game that basically involves evading scything tackles and banging the ball in the back of the net.It sounds ok, at least until you click on the game and your ears are doused in what can only be described as a diarrhoea of Isaac Hayes funk meets Casio keyboard slap bass.
After affixing a mirror ball to my ceiling I decide to continue, and it turns out all you have to do is press up, down or left to evade “dodgy tackles” before hitting space at the right time to score.
Next up is team selection and this game’s only redeeming feature, haircut selection.The options include Sagna Dangles, the Pineapple, the Savage (in honour of Robbie) and my personal favourite the Ronaldo Tuft, which tries to recall his World Cup 2002 look but actually looks more like a huge mole.
I also select to be Sunderland and face Chelsea, for no reason in particular, but it sets me thinking. Why no Djibril Cisse haircut option?
And we’re off.It turns out that not only do I have to evade tackles, but I am supposed to jump to collect stars as well. So I press up or down or left as the players come careening towards me, and am doing ok getting stars and suddenly I’m though on goal, but I forgot about the shoot bar and end up blazing it over.
However, I get another chance, and this time I drill it home. One nil!!
After that I keep having to press down, which results in your player doing a gambol? Now who on earth has ever got through a tackle by doing a gambol?
The old gambol is quite tricky to time as well, and I end up getting kicked in the face a lot of the time, which results in your player letting out a Chewbacca wail as the screen displays the far from witty “Oi Ref, you need glasses”. You then have to play on in a cast until you get too mawled to play anymore.
I manage to win 1-0, and give it another go as Man U.
This time I beat West Brom 2-0, but am so bored by now that I’ve started thinking about my own life, which is what these games are supposed to prevent, no?
What we have here is a game that is so one-dimensional and bereft of entertainment it’s like watching a pre-season friendly between Norwich City and Stockport County.
Rating: 4/10
Best feature: Haircut options
Best score: 2-0
What do you think of Striker Run? Can you do any better than me? Let us know.