*(Please note that all descriptions are not intended to accurately represent our fine team of writers!)*
Darren Douglas
Originally from Newbury our man in Bristol bears a striking resemblance to Swampy and goes by many-a-moniker -Dange, D-Man, and finally Editor! He’s a precocious talent but persistent self-indulgences have combined to stymie his career so far. We know he could be the greatest but madness and vices stand in his way.
Christopher Morley
A former stalwart with the Southampton disabled football team, one of the highlights of his career, by his own admittance, was a hat-trick of (missed) headers in a game against Brentford! This of course raises the question of what on earth his greatest moment was, and who knows, maybe one day he’ll tell us?
Retired: Former Club Legends!
James Palmer
Luxurious, great first touch, but ultimately no end product (feel free to insert your own joke here).
It's this kind of skill and attitude that best sums up the once intrepid Lillywhite. His undaunted commitment to dribbling is a source of great entertainment to us all, just be warned- do not mention Gérard Houllier when he's around...not ever(!)
Daniel Mehmet
A wise and wily member of the team, he has been known to be prone to the occasional serious injury. Despite this his longevity knows no bounds, although the jury is still out on his managerial skills. Sir Alex Ferguson noted that he “must have been born offside”, but we all know that this was his way of showing respect.
Donald Ramsay
By definition, this long-suffering, ale-supping Raith Rover is no glory hunter. Once described as a versatile player on account of his being able to play badly in any position, he could have been a contender. Only a distinct lack of talent, ambition and tactical nous has prevented him from assuming his rightful place among the pantheon of football greats.
David Moftakhar
‘It’s not pretty but someone’s got to do it.’ That’s the ethos ‘The Moftster’ took to both womanising and sub-editing 90 Minutes.
A ‘water-carrier,’ doing the dirty work no one else was willing, or could be bothered to do, when he could be bothered himself! Not a face for the limelight, his work behind the scenes allowed others to express their talents.
Stephen Jonathan “The Rome” Rome
From Bogota to Beijing, this well-traveled firebrand has plied his trade all over the world. In terms of output he can only be described as prolific. Not averse to casual sex or violence, you can rest assured that this vocal Villain will die for the cause (as long as he gets his own way!).
After spending several years in South Korea, he's currently considering a come-back in the Kent County Leagues!
Ian Shine
Like any football reject worth his salt, this man has lived in numerous places for short stints. From Birmingham to Sheffield, then Poland, Siberia, Lisbon and now somewhere back in England, he’s still looking for a place to call home before his bowels stop working. He was the African Footballer of the year in 1976 and scored four goals in the 1990 World Cup.
Whereabouts unknown.