1. Run towards target.
2. Knock ball past said target.
3. Divert trajectory towards target.
4. Kick target.
5. Scream.
6. Fall (don’t over do it - see right).
7. Grimace, writhe, clutch point of contact.
8. Await treatment: magic sponge/spray.
9. Get to your feet - gingerly.
10. Pretend you can’t run until necessary.
Let us salute football’s greatest play actors.
Didier Drogba
I wouldn’t like to bump into Didier Drogba down a dark alley. Whether that’s because he is an absolute queen or because he looks big and scary, I’m not sure. Probably both. Inside that big hulk of a body lies a delicate wallflower who’s easily offended and has a low threshold for pain.
Jurgen Klinsmann
When I think ‘German’ I think ‘stoicism’. When I think Jurgen Klinsmann I think foppish dandy driving a VW Beatle and conjure up memories of sliding across a school playing-field on my stomach. Jurgen the German is the founding father of contemporary theatrics.
Steven Gerrard
Stevie G: “If I saw a team-mate diving I’d say ‘We don’t do that here. Cut it out’… I jump off my sofa when I see someone do it [dive] on TV”. Hmmm.
Cristiano Ronaldo
Ronaldo is very good at football, he earns a lot of money, he’s in great shape and he fornicates with a lot of very attractive women. Yeah, maybe I’m a bit jealous of the guy, but he’s still a diving little twat.
Robert Pires
Another of the slick and suave European variety, you wouldn’t trust Pires with your girlfriend. Especially not when he goes down so easily in and around the box.