Rafał Patyra, the presenter of Poland’s version of Match of the Day, Szybka Piłka, introduced this week’s show with a big filthy smile on his face.
Why? Because he was about to announce that the eight games this week contained 17 goals and four red cards.
“Let’s see you change the channel now,” his eyes said.
Let battle commence
Rafał introduced his colleagues for the show, the ever-present Mick McCarthy look-alike Maciej Szczęsny and the also ever-present Michał Kołodziejczyk, a journalist at Polish rag Rzeczpospolita.
Maciej and Michał have an odd relationship that gives Szybka Piłka one of its two sparks. Maciej always seems intent on striking up a conversation with Michał, yet Michał resists, staring robotically ahead as Maciej spits out sentiments that he wholeheartedly disagrees with.
Michał even managed not to react as Maciej burst out laughing and then shouted, “I forgot the word,” during a discussion of Lechia Gdańsk vs Lech Poznań. Rafał looked puzzled and stifled a giggle, Michał just looked into nowhere and thought how easy it would be to smuggle a rusty nail into the studio next week.
Szybka Piłka’s other spark comes from refereeing guru Jaroslaw Szostek, who appears late in the show to talk us through the series of refereeing blunders made that week. As it turns out he is also a Councilor on Olsztyn City Council and has a blog, although I’m still struggling to find out what makes him qualified to relentlessly criticise referees.
The games
Despite Rafał’s promise of goals and cards galore we started off with a dismissible 0-0 between Arka Gdynia and Jagiellonia Białystok featuring one red card. The game was notable only for Arka’s Bartosz Ława whose surname translates as both “bench” and “coffee table”.
The smirk-worthy names continued with the next game, a clash between third-placed Polonia Bytom and second-placed Ruch Chorzów.
Chorzów won it with the only goal of the game from their striker Wojciech Grzyb, aka Wojciech Fungus, aka Wojciech Mushroom, aka Wojciech Toadstool, aka Wojciech Mould.
Maciej Szczęsny described the goal as “very shrewd”, so I’ll do the same.
It was a very shrewd goal.
Finally some goals
GKS Bełchatów’s 3– 0 demolition of Polonia Warszawa came up next. Mildy amusing Tomasz Wróbel (Tomasz Sparrow) scored the first after just one minute, although the most interesting moment of the game was Jacek Popek’s 80th minute pentalty.
Straight after taking it he sank to the floor and did a backwards roll in what looked like one of the most bizarre celebrations ever to grace a football pitch. That was until he grabbed his knee and was promptly taken off injured.
Next up was the game of the week, and it will come as no surprise to followers of this column that it involved Korona Kielce.
The Golden Bloody travelled to fourth-placed Legia Warszawa and started well, scoring after just two minutes through a Krzysztof Gajtkowski volley.
Legia got back into it after half an hour when Bartłomiej Grzelak turned on a grosz and smashed the ball beneath Kielce’s helpless Radosław Cierzniak.
“Can it get worse for Kielce?” asked the commentator, before answering his own question. “It can.”
Kielce forgot how to defend, let in two goals and got two players sent off in four second half minutes. There was nothing dignified about this brief sequence of events as Kielce simply stood back, argued with the ref, and ultimately got players sent off for petulant and stupid tackles that were a waste of time and effort.
They pulled one back in the 84th minute but let in two more before full time, including a low 40 yard drive from Marcin Smoliński that slid in off the far post for what was easily the goal of the week.
So Kielce ultimately lost 5-2 and I took out a hit on Rafał Patyra for not mentioning that seven of this week’s 17 goals and half of its red cards had come in one game.
The leftovers
Little else of interest happened this week. Wisła Kraków got back to winning ways against Piast Gliwice, and Odra Wodzisław got a much needed three points against their equally useless opponents Cracovia.
Lech Poznań capitalised on the momentum they picked up in last week’s win over Wisła by missing a raft of chances and drawing away at Lechia Gdańsk.
To be fair to Poznań they would have won if it hadn’t been for a terrible bit of refereeing. As their winger Sławomir Peszko waited for the ball to drop – something he’s used to judging by the pitch of his voice in the post-match interview – he saw the best way of hitting it was with his chest. So, he thought ahead, spread his arms well behind him, and chested the ball into the net, yet was told he’d used his hands to score.
It was a disgraceful decision and one that leaves Lech ten points off the pace.
Results
Arka Gdynia 0 – 0 Jagiellonia Białystok
Polonia Bytom 0 – 1 Ruch Chorzów
GKS Bełchatów 3 – 0 Polonia Warszawa
Legia Warszawa 5 -2 Korona Kielce
Wisła Kraków 2 – 1 Piast Gliwice
Śląsk Wrocław 2 -0 KGHM Zagłębie Lubin
Odra Wodzisław 1 – 0 Cracovia Kraków
Lechia Gdańsk 0 – 0 Lech Poznań
The top
Wisła Kraków - 28
Ruch Chorzów – 25
Legia Warszawa - 21
Polonia Bytom -20
Lech Poznań – 18