The Euro 2012 planning would have been meticulous, with the big hitters determined to emerge top dog - time to put the opposition in their place. Their tactics agreed and communicated, their line-ups confirmed. And then, with the eyes of the world upon them, the main protagonists could get to work. Yes, the BBC and ITV are primed and eager to do battle. The serious business of viewing figures is at stake here, after all.
BBC won the toss, and elected to kick-off, with the opening fixture on Friday. The Poland versus Greece match was obviously not one to have us instantly salivating, although host Gary Lineker, sporting suspiciously darker hair than the last time we saw him, did his level best to tempt something interesting from his forward line of Alan Hansen, Clarence Seedorf and Lee Dixon.
Sadly, we must report that it wasn’t merely the Match of the Day studio familiarity that assaulted our sensibilities. No, we had to deal with the routine Hansen refusal to pontificate in anything other than single-word utterances – ‘Pace. Power. Movement. Composure. Magnificent.’ To his credit, Dixon rallied the group with full sentences, and Seedorf smiled serenely.
Later on, in a bid to provoke some modicum of immediate interest on the rival channel, Roy Keane and old nemesis Patrick Vieira were ushered into the ITV studio. Here they awkwardly sat side by side on ridiculously large chairs, the simmering aggression between them crackling as Adrian Chiles nervously reminded us of times when these two football goliaths would have been somewhat less apathetic in the company of one another.
Nearby, Gareth Southgate sat like an under-weight and slightly afraid nightclub doorman, praying that it wouldn’t kick off and that he could get home in one piece for a comforting digestive biscuit and mug of cocoa.
Sadly, the analysis passed without serious incident. The closest we got to deviation from studio cordiality was when Vieira, gushing about the performance of Russia’s Andrei Arshavin, was interrupted by Keane, who seethed through gritted teeth: ‘A pity he couldn’t do it for Arsenal last season.’ At this, beads of sweat threatened Chiles’ brow for the first time, and Southgate shot a glance towards the nearest studio exit.
As the weekend progressed, both sides utilised their squads, and the BBC introduced us once again to Alan Shearer, this time as predictable pitch-side analyst as opposed to, er, predictable studio analyst. To add insult to injury, Mark Lawrenson, who makes Victor Meldrew seem like Lee Evans, had been despatched to the co-commentator role.
Inside the studio, Harry Redknapp added a bit of Arthur Daley-esque bonhomie to the proceedings. Even graciously allowing Lineker to tease him just a little about whether he would have been pleased to accept some kind of approach from the FA before Roy Hodgson was appointed to the England manager’s job.
‘Still, you may have avoided a poisoned chalice there,’ Lineker chuckled, a point ‘Arry wasn’t exactly in a hurry to disagree with.
On Sunday, ITV tried their luck early doors with Roberto Martinez and Gordon Strachan accompanying Chiles at a table in the middle of a Gdansk square, surrounded by fans desperately trying not to look too self-conscious in front of the cameras.
Mind you, at least Strachan – the most flippant of interviewees at the best of times - gave us the best line of the tournament so far, when Chiles lamented ‘our’ (he’s half-Croatian, lest we forget) inability to maintain possession of the ball.
‘Culture’, Strachan declared matter-of-factly. The others looked at him. ‘We do everything in a hurry. In Spain, they take two hours to have a meal. We gulp ours down in ten minutes. They take 5 and a half hours to play golf; we zoom round in three hours.’ So there you have it – too many words when ‘they pass the ball better’ would have sufficed, but it was an entertaining aside all the same.
Meanwhile, during the match itself (Italy versus Spain), Craig Burley momentarily booted political correctness into row z, when he described the Italian defence as ‘looking like midgets.’ Oh dear. Yellow card for that, surely.
Later, Keane was back, and despite Ireland’s loss to Croatia, it was obvious that Jamie Carragher’s nasal whining irritated him far less than Vieira’s broody presence. And then, finally, the long wait for England fans was over with the arrival of their opener against France.
In an astute tactical move that neatly reflected the match itself, Carragher and Southgate sought to crowd Vieira out in the middle of the studio, successfully stifling their more technically gifted opponent. By the end, Vieira attempted to disguise his disappointment with an exaggerated shrug or two, while his opponents – including Chiles, of course – heaved enormous sighs of relief.
Later, Lineker and co, perhaps having had time to drift from relief towards happiness, banded the compliments around, including – whisper it - some in the direction of Roy Hodgson. But, perhaps mindful of getting overly carried away, Lineker quickly sought to lower the sense of expectation that was slowly but surely emerging. ‘Let’s keep it calm,’ he said. Hansen nodded solemnly, but Shearer and Dixon looked far from convinced about that prospect.