Picture the scene. A hushed silence descends upon the courtroom, as the judge begins to speak in his measured, formal tone. In the dock, the bespectacled accused sits perfectly still, with only his darting eyes betraying a sense of anxiety, perhaps more aware than we might think about the fate that surely awaits him. He sports a loose-fitting SFA tracksuit top, and a greying stubble lines his chin.
Invited by the judge (who bears an uncanny resemblance to SFA boss Stewart Regan) to sum up his case, the chief prosecutor rises briskly to his feet and turns to address the jury, most of whom appear tired and pale following a sombre trip back from Belgium.
Somewhere in the distance, the sound of a lonely piper can be heard.
‘Thank you m’lord. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have listened to the evidence presented before you, and now the fate of the accused rests with you. I put it to you that, on that basis, any rational assessment of the evidence will lead you to only one inevitable outcome – that the accused, Mr Craig Levein, must be relieved of his duties as manager of the national football team with immediate effect.
However, before you retire to consider your decision, let me remind you of the ten compelling points surrounding this desperately disappointing and – some might say – tragic, case.
Firstly, the failed attempt to qualify for Euro 12. During that qualifying phase, only a 97th minute winner at Hampden against the mighty Lichtenstein spared the Scots from the most embarrassing result in their history.
Secondly, I give you 4-6-0. Of course, I refer here to the debacle in the Czech Republic, when the national side took to the field without a striker worthy of the name. I need hardly remind you that the match was lost.
The third point leads on from this. The subsequent Mexican stand-off with Steven Fletcher lasted two years, and deprived Scotland of its most potent striker at a time when goals were very rare indeed, and the visibly diminished Kenny Miller was paraded as irreplaceable. Fletcher returned to the fold recently, but I put it to you that took the meaning of the phrase ‘too little too late’ to a new level entirely.
Fourthly, we have Kris Commons. A mere month ago, Commons, (a man who has been in outstanding form for Celtic this season) was left out of the squad altogether, and deemed by the manager to be behind no fewer than six others in the pecking order. Strangely, Commons wasn’t then just drafted into the squad – he was pitched straight into the starting line-up against Wales.
Fifth, Charlie Adam. Once the manager’s ‘quarter back’, Adam is now considered good enough to warm the substitutes’ bench at best. The sixth point concerns Levein’s previous declaration that only those regularly playing first team football for their clubs would be considered for international duty in future.
And now, of course, we have the sight of Alan Hutton, who hasn’t kicked a ball in anger since April, routinely taking his place amongst the national starting eleven. Clearly, the criteria has changed along the way.
The same goes in this, my seventh point. The demise of Rangers was met with insistence from Levein that it would be difficult for any player plying his trade in the backwater of the third division to pull on a Scotland jersey. Roll on a few days, and Rangers’ Ian Black makes his international debut.
The eighth point concerns the start Scotland made to this world cup qualifying campaign. Two home games against teams far from being considered among the group’s strongest yielded only two points. Bizarrely, Levein was of the view this represented a good start to this campaign for his side.
The penultimate point – Levein’s determined insistence that the team continues to make good progress rings extremely hollow. Despite appearances (and results) to the contrary, that we are asked to seriously believe Scotland are making progress, despite being out of the running for Brazil 2014 before the halfway stage of the qualifiers has been reached, beggars belief.
And finally, the piece de resistance, the sting in the tail, the final nail as it were – results. I give you results! I give you statistics: 12 competitive fixtures, a mere three wins, a record inferior even to those other recent luminaries of the Hampden dugout, messrs Vogts and Burley.
Ladies and gentlemen – I could go on. I could tell you about the manager’s non-existent relationship with the tartan army, his frostiness with the media. I could remind you that he’s won nothing of any consequence as a club manager, that he has gone on to firmly secure Scotland’s place among the also-rans of world football.
But no, to suggest that what you already have before you is sufficiently compelling would be an understatement. On that basis, the case for the prosecution rests.’
A short time later, the jury can be seen returning to the courtroom, and the foreman is invited to speak. He stands, clears his throat.
‘Have you reached a decision?’
‘Yes. We the jury find the accused…………..’
To be continued.