BBC Radio Five Live’s Danny Baker once described Chelsea FC as the ‘ever exploding clown car of football.’ Times have of course changed in West London. Chelsea win trophies, lots of them and regularly, leaving any messing around by ‘them upstairs’ largely forgiven by fans and media alike.
Baker, a Londoner and Millwall fan, was lauding it over a local rival. And whilst football is cyclical, with different clubs bearing the brunt of our schadenfreude at varying times, a constant presence in the circus act, spluttering along from one comedy fall to another, more comatose old drunk than sleeping giant, is Newcastle United.
No lasting surprise then, when hardy old campaigner- cum- football dinosaur, Joe Kinnear popped up on Sky Sports, claiming to be the club’s new Director of Football. The sense of panic across sports-desks, pubs, tanning salons, Marbella beaches and Mock-Tudor mansions was palpable, as journalists, fans and players scrambled en masse to confirm if this was indeed true, or simply the ramblings of a largely forgotten football coach.
‘Surely any modern day football club with their highly trained, modern, media-savvy PR machines wouldn’t let such a loose cannon with previous come out and speak alone on such matters, right?’ we cried, turning our attention to loftier affairs, ‘Wrong!’ Old Joe had the last laugh and after a time of gut wrenching, existential confusion, where the world literally seemed like it had gone to hell in a hand kart, it was confirmed by the club- a three-year deal.
‘Repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results’ is Einstein’s definition of insanity, also a common phrase used in Alcoholics Anonymous and it did seem that the comatose old drunk was recovering for a while. There have been moments of clarity over the years, cohesive periods when the club has perhaps stumbled into accuracy.
Two seasons ago Newcastle finished fifth with Alan Pardew winning Manager of the Year and Graham Carr earning justifiable praise for his scouting of players from ligue 1. Then, as with most self-destructive types, it all came crashing down again, Mike Ashley and Co conspiring in their own downfall, as the club failed to invest in a thin squad and then creating uproar and alienating the fan base by renaming the stadium ‘The Sports Direct Arena’.
The team then fell apart on the pitch, perhaps down to injuries to key players like Hatem Ben Arfa, or perhaps due to the burden and crushing realization that they’d have to put up with Alan Pardew for another eight years.
Kinnear must be a press officer’s nightmare. Rarely censored, he can appear angry, combative and delusional. His previous time on Tyneside, a short and unhappy reign as Manager in 2008 was best remembered for the park bench vitriol aimed at several North East reporters at his first press conference.
This time around, as Director of Football, rather than trying to ingratiate himself with fans, players and the press, he’s come out swinging. In a live interview on Talk Sport just days after the appointment, he attacked fans that had been critical of his abilities, defensively stating that he’d ‘certainly got more intelligence than them’.
Kinnear also mispronounced player’s names (Yohan Cabaye becoming Yohan Kebab), claimed he’d been named Manager of the Year three times (it was just the once) and that he had a direct line to any coach in the world at any time, including Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger. No doubt prompting a scurry of football’s elite coaches to contact their service providers.
June has not been a good month for the magpies. Kinnear’s appointment, forced Alan Shearer to climb down from creosoting his fence and get involved in a war of words about the club’s direction. Last season’s top scorer Papiss Cissé has reportedly refused to wear the club shirt next season if sponsored by the short-term loan company Wonga and other Muslim players, such as Chick Tiote are also rumored to be following suit.
The morality of the Wonga deal in an area with the highest rate of personal debt in England has been criticized in many quarters, yet the money, reportedly to be in the region of £8 Million a year, has enabled the stadium to be ‘re-named’ St James Park again and will provide a transfer budget to strengthen a talented, if rather fractured squad. However, it remains to be seen if Joe Kinnear can play a major role in steering that squad to success. It has been confirmed that he will have final say on all player recruitment.
Nobody is denying the great job he did at Wimbledon, yet spells at Nottingham Forest and managing on Tyneside were a disaster. Football has moved on. Even hipsters watch it now and, Tony Pulis aside, one wonders if there is a place for potty-mouthed old men who’d look more at home on the side of the road with a can of Tenants Super, shouting at traffic
Next season could well be another circus act for the Geordie faithful. Anyone who has been to St James Park will tell you that the club is the central focus of the city. Mike Ashley has a captive audience, fans simply aren’t going anywhere else for their football and they keep coming every week, despite the only recent silverware being the much-maligned Inter-Toto Cup, which they won in 2006.
Joe Kinnear’s rants, the ensuing battle with ex-players in the media, even the moral arguments concerning Wonga’s backing of the club, will all pale into insignificance if the slumber can be thrown off and a period of sanity and calmness prevail and they can somehow win a trophy, any trophy.
Swansea City have managed it, Wigan Athletic have managed it, even Birmingham City have got in on the act. It remains to be seen if Newcastle United ever can. Until such time, things keep exploding, people keep falling over, it is of course very entertaining. The fans deserve better.