As reports suggest that Calum Chambers may be in line to 'solve' Arsenal's midfield human resource crisis, a conversation with 90 Minutes Online's Darren Douglas got me thinking about football's utility men. The Bird's Eye Potato Waffles of their trade, these are the chaps who'll 'do a job' anywhere.
In Monopoly, the word 'utility' is more or less a synonym for 'the shit ones nobody wants'. Your opponents may well land on them a fair bit but you'll be gutted when you only make £1.78 in rent each time. Better off collecting the yellows or the blues. Or the fucking browns for that matter. At least they know what they are. The utilities are a sad hash of non-properties there to make up the numbers; a rubbish X Factor 'group' of a team assembled from the wreckage of shite solo 'artists'. In footballing terms, it just means James Milner.
With that in mind, would this be the most versatile team in world football?
Hugo Lloris
If he hasn't trademarked the phrase 'sweeper keeper' yet, he's a bigger idiot than signing for Spurs suggests. His ability to patrol the outer area of his, er area, gives his defence an extra half a man at times. He's also the closest thing Spurs will ever have to Franco Baresi.
Branislav Ivanović
Right back, centre half? Having spunked £16m quid on specialist left back Filipe Luis this summer, only to leave him on the bench thus far, one can only assume that José is too shit-scared of the massive Serb - nicknamed 'Bane' - to leave him out. Almost as scared, perhaps, as poor Raheem Sterling: "The scariest player to play against was Branislav Ivanović. He wasn't dirty, the guy is just a tank! A big guy, big upper body, big lower body. A real tank"
Javier Mascherano
Now a fixture at the heart of the Barcelona defence, the former West Ham man played a vital role in the middle of the park for his country at the 2014 world cup in Brazil. Granted, the jobs are similar, but it ain't easy doing them both at that level. Fair play to you mate.
Christopher Samba
Samba is a relic of the good old days of Chris Sutton and Ian Marshall. Essentially, a massive scary bastard who'll frighten the life out of anybody who comes near him in either penalty area. Seeing him hanging around the opposition area with 4 minutes to go, waiting for Clint Hill to launch one at his bonce from 70 yards away, was a beautiful thing.
Calum Chambers
Clearly a talented lad, but I worry for any footballer who gets the utility treatment this early in his career. He's already played at right back and centre half for his new side, and now looks set to line up in the CDM role against Galatasaray this very night.
Philip Lahm
Pep Guardiola described Lahm as the "cleverest player I've ever worked with." Hmmm. One suspects that's simply because he does whatever the fuck he's told. Right back, left back, centre half, holding midfielder... "Yes boss."
Daniele De Rossi
Too old to do 90 minutes in the centre of the park every week? Nay bother. Take a break every now and then with a stint stroking the ball around at centre half. Textbook Desailly/Gullit stuff. Marvellous.
Daley Blind
The iPad generation's Gilles Grimandi.
James Milner
The iPad generation's Steve Stone.
Lionel Messi
False 9? No. 9? No. 10? Winger? Who knows. Who cares. 'Anywhere near the goal' seems a decent enough shout.
Wayne Rooney
The archetypal utility man nowadays, in the sense that I honestly couldn't tell you where he'd be playing if I saw his name on a team sheet. Out wide, up top, in the centre. Seems to be universally unenthusiastic about whichever job he's doing at the moment. Maybe that other scouse handy man is still available for odd jobs. His day rate'd be a damn site cheaper.