Fernando Torres were forced to play in a Stetson hat?

There were a general election every time a new England manager were required?

Mick McCarthy got lost in a hall of mirrors?

With the end of the football season Britain’s alcohol intake is said to drop by 37%.*

This clear-headedness, combined with the extra free time that absence of football creates, means that fat 30-somethings from Rotherham to Rochdale, Coventry to Colchester and Nottingham to Newcastle…well, probably not Newcastle…are able to come up with all sorts of questions about their beloved game.

 

Questions that, if answered, could change the face of football as we know it.

Questions that, if embodied in a human form and shepherded through the streets of Premiership footballing cities, would make overpaid men piss their designer knickers and tremble reams of bling off their unskilled fingers.

Here are some more of them.

What would happen if…

Tottenham made Tom Huddlestone do two hours of admin work every day?

Potatoes had to be incorporated into every club’s kit?

There were a half-time bull fight?

Fulham were named Champions at the end of every season, regardless of where they finished in the table?

Rory Delap had Go-Go-Gadget arms?

Ball boys were replaced with huge metal spikes?

It were mandatory for every side to field at least one player born via Caesarean section?

Tena Lady became the official sponsor of the Premiership?

Tim Cahill had a picture of David Moyes tattooed on his left ankle?

The old shirt numbering system were recalled, so that players starting a game had to wear numbers one to 11?

Red cards were replaced with greetings card-style disciplinary cards that referees had to fill out and post to players during the match?

Someone towed away Old Trafford and replaced it with a bouncy castle?

Your questions or answers to the ones above are gladly welcomed below.

*Possible margin of error of up to 37%.