In a desperate ploy to live for a few more years on a footballer’s salary, Newcastle’s Michael Owen has got his PR cronies to stick out a brochure pimping his wares.

This kind of head-on approach to matters is much more suited to his teammate Joey Barton, who is never short of word or two to say about the state of the world.

So with no further ado, here is the Joey Barton brochure.

 

 

 

·         Barton is 26 years old and supposed to be approaching the peak of his career.

 

·         Barton has razor sharp judgement. He told Alan Shearer in May 2009: "You’re a shit manager with shit tactics." No Newcastle fan could argue with that analysis.

 

·         Barton called Iain Dowie "a prick" on the same occasion.

 

·         In two years at Newcastle, Barton has racked up 32 appearances and two goals.

 

·         Barton loves a challenge, so we asked him to figure out his goals per game record at Newcastle. After explaining the word "average" and running him through the basics of calculator usage, he took just four days to calculate a ratio of 12 goals every four games. We took the calculator back and figured out it was in fact one goal every 16 games, but you can’t knock the lad for trying.

 

·         Barton has seven GCSEs.

 

·         Barton, often known as "the defendant", won his first and only England cap in February 2007 when he came on as a substitute in the 1-0 defeat by Spain at Old Trafford. He is unlikely to win any more.

 

·         In fact, Barton doesn’t want to win any more. He said after winning his one cap: "If England comes then so be it, but I have played for them once now and that'll do for me. I am more interested in winning domestic honours.” Therefore Barton will be 100% dedicated to helping your team gather some silverware, by any, and we mean any, means necessary.

 

·         Barton is a gutsy and passionate player who literally lives, eats and breathes football. Unluckily for him this gutsy passion often spills off the pitch and in May 2008 he was sentenced to six months imprisonment for common assault and affray.

 

·         You might think Barton is an unpopular character, but he actually has his own fan site. It might not have been updated since May 2008, but it still exists.

 

·         Barton is currently suspended after getting a red card for a two-footed sliding tackle on Liverpoo’s Xabi Alonso. This was in Barton’s first game in over three months, proving that he doesn’t take long to get back into his stride after a lack of first team football.

 

·         Barton was Manchester City’s number one tackler in the 2004/05 season.

 

·         Barton once stubbed out a cigar on a reserve player’s eye during a Christmas party, but can you honestly say you’ve never done anything at a Christmas party that you didn't later regret.

 

·         If Barton believes in something and has a passion for it, he’ll pursue it insistently. In July 2008 he received a four months suspended sentence after causing actual bodily harm to former teammate Ousmane Dabo.

 

·         Newcastle United have suspended Barton “until further notice,” are examining employment law and "gathering evidence" for the possible termination of his contract. If Newcastle manage to effectively sack Barton, he will be a free agent.