When can a chest be mistaken for a hand?
a) In the midst of a steamy Kama Sutra led romp?
or
b) In the 73rd minute of a cup final between Sporting and Benfica?
I’ll grant you that a) is an outside possibility, but the answer last night turned out to be b) as Sporting were not just robbed but completely humiliated by yet another atrocious decision by a Portuguese referee.
Football is often about momentum. In the wake of the Raf-Rant episode, the title race impetus seemed to be behind Man Utd. Sycophantic pundits (that Ferguson tea-bagger, ‘Mr. That night in Barcelona’ Clive Tyldesley being at the forefront) were unabashedly drooling over a sequence of Man Utd victories that saw them not concede for 13 games and attaching grating little monikers such as ‘the untouchables’ to the team.
However, it would appear that the proverbial worm has turned and Liverpool now have the momentum. After inflicting a heavy defeat upon United in their own ‘theatre of pomposity’ back yard, Benitez has signed a new contract, everyone’s talking about spending spree’s & new stadiums again, and you get the sense that there is a real ‘feel good’ atmosphere growing at Anfield.
The holding midfielder is the darling of the modern game - the thinking man’s player of choice. Those ‘in the know’ will tell you that their intelligence, work rate and ability to read the game underpin any great side.
They will have you believe that Liverpool’s rejuvenation is thanks to Javier Mascherano, Arsenal’s poor form this season can be traced back to the departure of Mattieu Flamini, and Chelsea’s two league titles were down to the Godfather of the little blighters, Claude Makelele.
Don’t believe the hype. The anchorman exists to ruffle some feathers and make a nuisance of themselves. They are the game’s least cultured player.
Football is a game rich in tradition. It began somewhere, possibly a pub car park, possibly somewhere involving grass and roots.
Somewhere along the line someone coined the phrase jumpers for goalposts. In homage to that and in the second of what could possibly become a regular feature on internet football games, let us this week examine Jumpers for Goalposts 2.
What’s not to like about Holland? The country has a liberal stance on everything from the sex-trade through to recreational drugs - and even defending. With teams’ ramshackle backlines and the attacking ethos, even an average striker can score a hatful of goals in the Eredivisie.
Unfortunately, therefore, buying a striker from Holland is like choosing a hooker after a bag of magic mushrooms. You could get lucky and pick well – i.e. Romario, Ronaldo or Ruud Van Nistelrooy - but your skewed sense of perception may well lead to a clanger.
PSV Eindhoven: 122 apps/105gls
Chelsea: 25 apps/ 4gls
I still have a Chelsea shirt with ‘Kezman 9’ on the back. Testament to a naïve attempt to be a smart-ass. “You wait, this guy will be better than Van Nistelrooy”, I arrogantly proclaimed, wearing said shirt, just after he’d signed. Sometimes I still wear it in public, reminding me never again to make such a rash decision.